Entry: Time for some McDonalds Friday, September 07, 2012

I was just thinking about how I have no-one to talk to, because well...I don't really want to deal with the consequences of human interaction, even though it would probably be healthy for me if someone just dragged me out of the room and pampered me like they care :)

Thankfully I thought of the blog. It's been an awful week or so. I've been back for 3 weeks now and I still haven't found my motivation to eat. This is the second time it has happened but the last time it happened, Peeg arrived rather shortly after and my appetite came back and I was living like a normal person. I do eat every day, but not much. I eat only because I don't like feeling hungry and eventually give in and do something about it. But otherwise, I really cannot be bothered and wish I didn't have to deal with it. And it's just this vicious cycle because I don't have the energy to get work done...so my write-up is not really happening. I'm reading journals at a pace slower than a snail. And that makes me feel even crappier and not feel like eating even more. Usually when I get stressed or depressed, I eat even more. So this is new. I'm not really stressed, so maybe I'm just depressed. I guess I never thought I could ever lose my appetite. I do love food.

And anyway, Peeg and I aren't working out too well. Ah, what can I say. He's in the midst of deciding whether he loves me or not. After a series of long-term relationships, it seems like now all my relationships last just a few months. I guess he and I are currently at about err...close to 6 months, which is pretty long for some, maybe. But I don't know, my relationships just seem a little too fleeting for my liking these days, a couple of which are beyond my control. And I'm not even as psycho as I used to be. It seems simply like a case of people losing interest in me or something. I know that even if Peeg decides to stay with me, we'd be constantly at the brink of a breakup. I'm just doomed to be lonely forever.

Maybe I do need a pet, like a cat. Unfortunately I can't keep one in where I live. It'd probably be the only living thing that won't leave me after a few months. Well, I'm lying -- I suppose this basil plant isn't going anywhere soon, either.

I also thought about how I guess at least right now I don't feel like killing myself. And then I thought about how people saying killing yourself doesn't solve anything. It was something I came across often when I was younger at least. 7...wait, no, 8, wait, no, 9 fuck...Has it been 9 years? Anyway, 9 years later, this still doesn't make sense to me. If the problem lies with me, how can killing me not solve the problem? I think it is the lamest thing one could ever say to me if I want to kill myself. Obviously, if I have an issue with like...global warming or something, killing myself wouldn't solve it. I thought I'd get more enlightened by this "advice" when I became older, but now I just realise its stupidity even more.

Even killing myself would require too much effort. And let's just say I wouldn't put my family through that pain. Peeg told me about how he knew of a friend who fell into depression after her boyfriend dumped her, and didn't finish school, and had to live with her alcoholic dad and abusive mother, and didn't succeed killing herself a couple of times. And I just thought, "Poor her. If only she succeeded." Honestly, she is better off dead considering how her life can never be un-screwed (well, it may, but she's probably too screwed up by now to make it right), and no-one would really miss her even if she was gone since her family sucks and friends just aren't attached enough to her to have their lives destroyed by her death.


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Red Marbles
September 12, 2012   06:52 PM PDT
Maybe. I'm feeling better now anyway, even though my eating habits are still erratic. I've been meeting people every other day and that's been helping. Social interactions are no longer consistently stressful, and half the time they actually make me feel better.

But the answer was and was always yes. :/ In fact, if it was quiet and painless, hell yes. But I do know what you mean. Even *I* wouldn't want people I have met to kill themselves, even if I know they really want it.

Anyway, thanks :) *hug*
Addict's addict
September 10, 2012   01:16 PM PDT
Would it help to make a routine of eating? Eat something, even if just a snack, even if you don't really feel like it, at a fixed time each day. I dunno.

And you're sort of right about the problem solving thing. But I guess another way to look at it could be to ask 'do you wish you'd just died quietly and painlessly, back when you were feeling suicidal?'. And, um, assuming the answer is no, then it means it was the right thing to struggle through that feeling, even though ending it there and then would have solved the immediate 'problem'. I dunno. I really believe in people's right to choose how to live and how to die. But at the same I'd never want anyone to kill themselves, however bleak the situation.

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